How to Handle Your Kink

Almost anything turns someone on. Feet. Elves. Superheroes. Robots. Penguins. Robot penguins. There’s even a fetish circle devoted to Flo, the girl from the car insurance commercials.

Hey, there’s just something about Flo.

Fetish used to come with a waterfall of shame. Once upon a time, it even qualified as a kind of sexual disorder. These days, not so much. People are starting to understand. You don’t decide what turns you on. If you’re not hurting anyone, there’s no problem.

One in three people either have a fetish or participate in one for their partner. It’s not weird anymore.

So let’s finally stop pretending.

You can’t afford to keep your fetish a secret. At least not from yourself. Sexual satisfaction lies at the center of everyone’s well being. That means you have to accept and satisfy your sexuality. Even if you’re asexual — you have to accept that and make it part of what you do.

Stop telling yourself you have to have vanilla sex. Or sex from crazy positions described to you in some handbook published in New York.

Sideways sex in a steam room sounds impressive. But there’s no resume in the sex world. Only what feels good.

And I happen to enjoy fantasizing about robots, more than anything else in the entire wide world of sex.

This doesn’t mean that I exclude everything else. It just means that I stop expecting it to blow my mind. There’s nothing wrong with me. Or you. Years of a happy marriage has taught me one thing. If I wanted spontaneous, passionate sex up against a wall, I could have it.

Any time. And yet, I don’t seem to want that. Neither does he. Should we hide our heads in shame because we don’t do sex like actors in movies? Hardly. Been there. My spouse and I tried a lot of the crazy sex positions — shortly after marriage. It’s kind of a thing. We just didn’t like it. Too much work. Not much payoff.

Then we started talking. What sounded fun? Costumes and wigs. We felt like nerds at first. Once we got over that, the fun began. The best sex I’ve ever had was Star Trek themed.

My fetishes and kinks used to make me feel like a total loser. Like there was something wrong with me. Like I’d never enjoy a healthy, normal relationship as long as I continued to find robots attractive.

So I hid my fetish. Met someone. Got married. Then we started talking. And finally, I confessed.

He didn’t completely understand. But he didn’t judge. And he admitted his fetish. Flapper Girls. And sometimes pirates.

And that was huge.

You can never explain your fetish to anyone who doesn’t already get it. That’s how fetish works. Trying to explain a robot fetish is like trying to explain penguins or flappers. Sure, you can tell me why you feel attracted to penguins. I’ll never completely understand how.

You don’t need someone else to love your fetish. They just need to understand that you have one, and maybe they do too.

Fetish doesn’t disqualify you from a meaningful relationship. Sure, a true fetish means that the person can’t climax without participation in said fetish. The shoe has to be involved somehow. Or the foot. Or the penguin. Or the robot. Or Flo from Progressive.

This might sound debilitating, but it’s not.

Just thinking about your fetish during sex can do the job. For some of us, that’s the only option. After all, we’re not about to have a threesome with a penguin. Are we? I’m pretty sure that’s illegal. Probably not fun for the penguin, either.

You don’t have to live out your fetish. Someone with a penguin fetish will just have to settle for their imagination, and maybe a secret stash of penguin porn. I mean, um, documentaries.

If you fall in love with someone, you can have sex with them while imagining what they’d look like as a penguin. That’s not cheating. Don’t feel guilty about that, as long as you’re both happy.

Sharing your fetish doesn’t always make for a happy relationship. My attempts to share mine only led to disappointment. None of my role-playing partners could live up to the fantasies in my head. A true realization of my fetish is impossible. Anything less feels silly. That’s why I write my own erotic short stories.

You should try, though. Tell your partner about your fetish, if you trust them. See how they react. They don’t need to volunteer as tribute to your kink. But if they love you back, at least they won’t judge or mock you.

Otherwise, you’ll never know. Plenty of couples manage to live out their fantasies with success.

There’s a fetish. And then there’s kink — a little less demanding. You can mess around with kink. Toys. Wigs. Costumes. Roleplay for fun.

Just because you don’t climax without your fetish, that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy sex. Even someone with a fetish can get aroused. This also means that even if you don’t enjoy someone else’s fetish, you might still enjoy having sex while helping them live out their fantasy.

A fetish might even make you healthier, sexually. The most recent research has found that couples who engage in activities like fetish, role play, or bondage communicate better.

Yeah, they kinda have to at first. To avoid injury or death. But it goes well beyond that. See, when you start talking about sex and setting boundaries and rules — that leads to a broader sense of understanding between you and your partner.

Communication in bed begets communication elsewhere.

That’s the kinda stuff that might transfer into other aspects of your relationship. Communication presumes equality and respect. You give each other what you want, and what you need. Hell, you might even start talking about your feelings more.

Source: How to Handle Your Kink – @JessicaLexicus